About 10 years ago, I founded Beauty Is Inside, a popular feminist community on Facebook, and it's grown to over 230K followers. And I’ve been working on a non-fiction book about women's empowerment for about that long as well. I'll finish eventually. My education is in social psychology, not women's studies. This is my personal take on feminism. I do not speak for anyone else.

 

I became a feminist when I was a little girl, even before I knew what the word meant. I just wanted fairness. When my dad told me and my sister–but not my brother–to help my mom in the kitchen, I asked why? But I never got a good answer. It was because he was a boy. Even as a kid, I knew he wasn't any less capable of scrambling eggs. It wasn't fair. When I was in school, classmates would bully me about my appearance, and then I'd get catcalled by grown men on the walk home. It was messed up and I felt alone. No one had my back at home or in school. This was just a peek into the beauty and behavior standards I'd have to deal with in the future.

 

Years later, I can still feel the echos of being treated unfairly just because I was a girl.

 

Sadly, those childhood bullies just grew up into adult bullies–misogynists, racists, homophobes, transphobes, etc. It's all connected. It's about hierarchy and who gets to be on top. Bullies discriminate, and they often discriminate against several groups at the same time. It's like a buy-one-get-one deal–find a sexist dude, get a racist dude free. Bullies have such a superficial sense of superiority too. They think surface-level traits like being born with the "right" dangly bits, having less melanin in their skin, or getting butterflies for the "correct" gender puts them on top. Somehow those traits make them higher quality humans, which entitles them to preferential treatment and the right to tell others what to do. They're essentially control freaks who think they have the right to determine others' rights.

 

Bullies need someone beneath them, because beneath all their bull and lies, they're insecure little cowards. Bullies like to call people snowflakes and mock them for being sensitive or triggered. But bullies are the biggest snowflakes ever. They love to dish it out, but the minute they're served it back or don't get their way, they throw huge tantrums like giant overgrown toddlers. They're hypocrites. Bullies violate our boundaries and support laws that control our bodies and lives. They make the world cruel, unfair, and unsafe. And they just expect us to take it.

 

And that's not ok.

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Misogyny is wrong. Racism is wrong. Homophobia and transphobia are wrong. It's none of anyone's business how any of us live our lives, as long as we're not hurting others. I decided a long time ago I wouldn’t stand by if I saw someone else being hurt or excluded, because I knew how it felt and I didn’t want anyone else to feel that way. Some may call that "woke." I just call it having empathy. I feel a responsibility to stand up to bullies in real life, and I like to illustrate that theme through my film and other creative projects. To help make the world a safer and more equitable place for us all, in whatever little way I can. 

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Being a feminist is simply having empathy for others' lived experiences. We all have the inherent right to live freely as our authentic selves. No one else has the right to tell us otherwise. This body and this life belong to the owner. No one else. No one else has the right to intrude on our bodily autonomy. No one else has the right to touch us or use our bodies without our consent. No one has the right to make laws that restrict our freedom, solely based on gender. 

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Feminism asks, "Dude, would you want that shit to happen to you or your loved one? No? Then maybe don't do that shit to others." It's basically the Golden Rule.

 

Feminism means fairness and freedom for all–socially, economically, and politically. 

 

It says, “Men are not the boss of women,” which seems more offensive for some guys than being told off with the more popular f-word.

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Feminism has the audacity to tell women that we have the right to live our lives however we please, that we have the right to make our own choices and not have them forced upon us. That we’re as fully human as men are, and we deserve the same rights that they get to take for granted, not fewer. 

 

Feminism is about self-respect and boundaries. It teaches women not to light ourselves on fire just to keep some mediocre dude warm. Feminism acknowledges that women have needs and desires too, and we want relationships with people who honor us as we honor them. Feminism teaches women that we have value beyond our bodies and apart from what we can do for men.

 

None of this should be controversial.

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But don't feminists hate men? No, feminists hate when women are treated as sex objects, baby-makers, or support staff. We hate being expected to take precautions to avoid male violence instead of expecting men to leave us alone. We hate being afraid to say no for fear of what they might do. We hate being treated as public property and having our bodies legislated and controlled. We hate being treated as sex objects or incubators, as if our body is our most valuable attribute. We hate being ignored, invalidated, or called illogical for showing emotion by those who've deadened all of their own except anger, but pretend that doesn't count. Basically, feminists hate being treated as less than simply due to our gender.

 

We hate men who try to control us, who hurt us. We’re not their bangmaids or their trophies. Our purpose in life isn't to serve as a man's decorative sidekick and caretaker of his offspring. Women are not an extension of men—we didn’t evolve from one of their ribs like a lizard regenerating its tail.

 

But aren’t there some feminists who hate men? Of course there are! Women tend to hate men who hurt them. Men tend to hate women they can’t control. Let’s be honest—we live in a world where men hold the vast majority of political, financial, and social power. Who actually has the power to do any damage? A handful of man-hating women? Come on. Man-hating women will just hurt men’s feelings. Women-hating men will assault and kill us.

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So why does feminism get a bad reputation?

 

Because how dare women not center men in our lives and make them our whole world! It’s in misogynists’ best interests to demonize feminism and make it about man-hating, when they are the ones who hate women. Plenty of misogynists have partners, so even though they want women around, they only want women who know their place. Misogynists hate women who don't prioritize them, they hate women who aren't subservient. Calling feminists man-haters is just defensiveness and projection—they accuse feminists of what they’re doing themselves. What is actually more hateful—controlling women through violence and legislation or us complaining about the boots on our necks? Who is the real hater here?

 

In simple terms, feminists are the big meanies who call men out on their shit. And self-serving-kinda-guys don’t want to be held accountable for their bad behavior. They want to have the power to do or take whatever they want, whether we like it or not. They feel entitled to our bodies and our emotional labor. They don’t want to share power or opportunities or basic human rights. They’re like spoiled little boys who grab all the cookies and then complain about the little girl who wants just a couple of cookies herself. They see equality as a zero-sum game—if we win, they lose. Selfish men reap the benefits of an unfair system. They like the hierarchy… as long as they’re on top.

 

Equality feels like oppression when you’re used to privilege.

 

Just to get it out of the way… most feminists don’t actually hate men. We hate men who are assholes.

 

And misogynists are assholes. Misogynists treat women as if we’re beneath them. They see men as the leaders, the intelligent ones, the rational ones, the ones not ruled by emotion… even as their voices rise, faces turn beet red, and spittle flies from their lips. Misogynists demand control and pretend it’s for our own good, for our protection, when in reality, it’s to keep us down. To dominate us.

 

Decent men show their strength through character and kindness. They know there’s enough room at the table for everyone. They treat women with the same dignity and respect they receive. They use their power and privilege to stand up for others, to punch up instead of down. They use their strength to protect. They pick on people their own size. They fight against inequality, not because it personally benefits them, but because it’s the right thing to do. They don't need to feel bigger by making others smaller.

 

Feminists have no problem with these guys. It’s almost as if we like men who respect us and behave like decent human beings. What a concept!

 

If you have any further doubts about feminism, I invite you to read some of the messages I’ve received about how my work has empowered and inspired readers. I've heard from women in places as far away as Sudan, Serbia, India, and Bosnia and Herzegovina. They've poured their hearts out to me and many of their stories have brought me to tears. To say it's been humbling is an understatement. Here are just two examples:

 

"Beauty is Inside, thank you for always making me feel loved and accepted no matter what 'mistakes' I have made. I am stronger than I remember sometimes, thank you for being that reminder."

 

“I absolutely love your page. It is an inspiration, it is thought provoking and in a lot of ways it is very healing. I, like many, have been through a lot and nearly every day (sometimes multiple times a day) you post something that helps me feel less isolated and confused about what is happening in the world around me. I feel empowered and am reminded that I am capable of making the changes necessary to stop being a hostage. I need you to know that what you are doing matters greatly. Thank you.” 

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